Yesterday was not a happy one. Well, it was to begin with. I went for a morning run and rifled through books for my essay. Which was nice. I even had my hair in little slides and it went all curly and it was so nice to glide past people in the park with curly hair and seemingly boundless energy. Then, of course (how fatalistic!) I discovered the ever-so-slightly frizzy hair at the front... Cue rising anxiety, too-quickly-pumping heart & sheer terror (in that order). 
Today has not been a happy one. Midnight onwards, that it. I have stayed up to work on an essay. Brushing the hair from my laptop ever so often. Then I got up and looked in the mirror. Suprise suprise! I now have less hair than I had before - because I have pulled it out - how logical. But I don't DO logic. I somehow expect life to TRANSCEND logic. Logic is so stubburn and deconstructive. Whatever happened to miricles?!? So, of course, my eyes well with tears. But I do not cry. I have an essay to write. And I do not call anyone on the phone becuase it is the middle of the night and becuase who wants to be phoned up and blubbed at?! I don't want people to think of me like that. Becuase I'm not, essentially, a helpless, sobbing little damsel in distress. i FEEL like a soaring spirit. Most of the time. But not now. Now I feel as though someone were pounding a stone into my chest and I can almost hear my heartbeat. And I feel that dangerous strength people feel when they are at the edge. At the edge of what? Gnawing despair. And it is eating me up, bit by bit. I feel as though I am being devoured and I want something to be left over for me. And not just a 'wreck of the beautiful'. &, to clarify, I care more about the guilt of what is, essentially, harming myself than I do about how I look. If how I looked wasn't up to me to some degree, I don't think I'd feel culpable.
What do I want? In a way, I want to be given permission to just give up on it all. But that just isn't an option: 'it all' is too all-encompassing. I would give up on everything that made me happy and be less happy than I am now. In another way, I want to just march on with my life - fearlessly and constructively. But how I've tried! What does one do when there are no options?!?