My Trichotillamania Journal

On wednesday I went horseriding on Dartmoor (only having been on a horse twice before). And I had an angel of a horse - and it all went perfectly!
   Then (on the same day!) I went caving (not having been caving before). For 2 hours. I still have the bruises. And I panicked so much (very dark, very claustrophobic, very steep drops) and was so exhausted but felt so brilliant having done it! 
   Then (on the same day!) me and my flatmates had a mini-birthday-party for one of my flatmates. And I accidently drank a cocktail of wine & Persil - which I won't be doing again anytime soon!  
   So on wednesday I was far too busy to pull my hair out. And on Thursday I was far too tired. Which leaves today. Friday. Which was fairly disasterous.

Maybe it can be my 2nd New Year's Resolution (after writing a novel by 2008) to not pull my hair out AT ALL! Though I have tried that before & failed. Who knows, maybe I could though. Am listening to Roxette to try to distract myself - from thinking about hair. There are far more interesting and important things I cold be thinking about. Like my forthcoming essay etc.

Thankyou for the great comments. Far more positive than I was expecting. 

What Is The Hair Situation? Moderate. I have pulled hair out today. But not crying & not endlessly compulsively. I'm trying to use some relaxation techniques I have learnt. But they will take some practice. 

It all started when I was 11 (9 years ago). I had just started at my second secondary school. I was in a lesson at school and one of my classmates asked me if I realised that I was pulling my hair out. I hadn't, really, no. I had been fiddling with my hair, so far as I was concerned. But I looked at my desk, and there it was. A substantial covering of strands of my long, golden hair. I was mortified.

Gradually, gaps started appearing in the hair over my ears - becuase that was a bit frizzy so I pulled it out more, justifying it to myself as an aesthetic choice.

Then the worst decision I ever made - my family (who are traditionalists in these matters) opposed my wish to have my hair cut shorter. SO I DID IT MYSELF! Horror of horrors, I looked lovely for a while (like a very pretty boy, I suppose) - then my hair did its own thing and turned into a frizzy lion's mane! & my family were so cross I had cut it myself they didn't really help me. Shorter, the gaps were more visable. This went on for years until I was 16. 

When I was 16 I had had enough. On one day alone some idiot at school had spent all day trying to convince me I had cancer and some other schoolchildren had yelled abuse at me on the way home. Enough was enough. I shaved my head and said I was never going to school again. My family accepted this. There was nothing they could do to change my mind. They did take me to a dermatologist (even though they knew I didn't have alopecia! even though they knew I pulled my hair out!), but I was told to lie about pulling my hair out 'becuase you wouldn't want the nice docter to know you did something like that, would you?' Looking back, thier mismanagement of the situation was only to be expected, considering thier complete lack of knowledge about the condition. & I believe they did have my best interests at heart. They have become more helpful as they have become better-informed. Which is one of the reasons I believe it is important that the people who have relationships of any kind with people suffering from the conditions should try to understand it.

I bought a wig & went back to school for my exams & (very fortunately!) passed.

I then went to my second college (having left the first for purely change-of-directional reasons). I was once cornered on the bus to college by a group of students who threatened to pull my (very beautiful and swishy) wig off. That was the most savage reaction I ever encountered. I only escaped by yelling threats at them - I was so furious!   They backed off. It was a very 'Lord of the Flies' moment.

Sometimes people complimented my hair not knowing it was a wig. Which was nice, but hard to deal with, becuase I wasn't sure whether I was really entitled to the compliment. Sometimes people complimented my wigs knowing that they were wigs, which was nice, but a bot embarressing becuase I was then worried that it was really obviou that I was wearing a wig. Which it could be becuase I sometimes pulled hair out oof the wigs as well as from my own head!

Then I went out (for a year) with someone at college. I was 17 at this point - and he was 23. Though he was initially very supportive - saying he didn't care that I had trichotillamania - as our relationship worsened he would tease me about it and pull off my wig. Which would upset me so much. Finally, when he became increasingly physically violent, I left him. I have forgiven him, and we still occassionally speak to each other - but I cannot emphasise enough how important it is for people to have supportive partners as opposed to partners who are not supportive. 

For the brilliant and supportive partner I have now (who I have been with for the last 2 years). I have him to thank for the confidence to go to university.
 
I grew my hair back, entirely, the summer before I first went to university. I was so pleased! I died my hair black to look like Dita von Teese & actually had people compliment my hair!

Then I got stressed at uni & pulled my hair out again. Which I was so sad about becuase I had always told myself that if I grew my hair back I would never pull it out again.

Last summer I again grew it back - and I've now made a few significant gaps in it again. Which is such a shame - becuase I was complimented so much when I came back about just how lovely my hair was looking.

What I Have Learnt:

* How savage people can be. Which has given me more empathy for people who are discriminated against.

* How kind and supportive people can be. The good people are far more prominant in my mind than the few bad apples - becuase they are really AMAZINGLY kind and supportive. And I might never have known people could be like that had I not had trichotillamania.

* That I am resiliant. I have had bad times - but time moves on - to good times!

Where I Want To Go From Here:

* To overcome or cope with trichotillamania

* To support others the way I have been supported

* To salvage something from the experience: the knowing that there are really good people out there!

* To pluck up the courage to go the hairdressers for the first time in years! (And entrust newly-grown really-precious-to-me hair to them!)

* Invited to leave messages (bearing in mind that non-constructive criticism is really not helpful or nice)